Translation from business-speak to English of Thermo Fisher CEO Mark Casper's letter to customers announcing its acquisition of Life Technologies

Kunal Mehta
4 February 2014

We are very pleased to announce that Life Technologies is now part of Thermo Fisher Scientific. Together, we'll create new opportunities for you to leverage our complementary offerings through four premier brands: Life Technologies, Thermo Scientific, Fisher Scientific and Unity Lab Services. Most important, the addition of Life Technologies strengthens our ability to fulfill our company mission: to enable our customers to make the world healthier, cleaner and safer.
("Make the world healthier, cleaner and safer" is actually a cute mission statement.)
...As one company, we'll create new opportunities to support the convergence of life sciences tools and diagnostics to improve patient care.
If you thought Invitrogen used to be overpriced, you are really in for it now.
We'll also significantly expand our offering for those of you working in forensic analysis and other applied markets.
Just wait until you hear the pricing on that stuff.
... You will have the benefit of industry-leading e-commerce capabilities ...
Our e-commerce capabilities were terrible, and will get worse. Just try to search for a Life Tech product on the Thermo website. Do it. We dare you.
... and a combined field sales, support and service team 10,000 strong.
Such a big number... Can you start to see how we are going to make money from this?
As one company, we'll be able to provide a differentiated experience that will only strengthen over time.
Convergence is differentiation. Slavery is freedom. Two plus two equals three.
We want to help you spend less time searching for solutions, and more time achieving results.
When every pipette tip you shoot into the bin costs $1, you'll spend a lot more time thinking about each one.
... Through this transition, our goal is to continue to develop new products and services while preserving what you value most now.
Unless what you valued was competition, or choice.
... Thank you again for your business; we look forward to strengthening our partnership with you.
Talk to Qiagen while you still can.
This piece is in the style of a few that John Gruber of Daring Fireball used to write, and that I always found entertaining.
Channel Nine | kk.meht @ gmail